Duff Stuff

While texting beforehand, Duff warned me that his face was swollen from an infection.  An infection from trying to drunkenly dig out an in-grown hair from his ridiculously horrible beard.
 
"So last night I needed a bandage and had to Macgyver one with tp and packing tape but I guess I'm allergic to the packing tape cause that side of my face is hella puffy and swollen now.  I look like a marshmallow and I had to shave my beard off."
"Stop being a girl, I doubt it's that bad."
"If I was in high school, I'd have no friends.  And I'd be eating alone at lunch."
"Eating alone in the cafeteria? Or hiding in a bathroom stall somewhere?"
"Bathroom stall, too ashamed to show my face around any pretty girls and hiding from the wrath of jock bullies."

Fortunately, the beard didn't make it.  Unfortunately, neither did his face. Seriously, his face WAS that bad.  I almost feel bad for calling him a girl.  Almost.

But really, imagine this guy:

But all confined to one side of his face.

Ok, so he looked horrible.  Whatever, I'm not THAT shallow.

He rolls up and I start going into one of my Robin charades where I think I'm hilarious and telling all of my hilarious stories.  In the midst of my story, as he's rolling for a second time, I realize that he's holding the wrapper weird.  And is being very... animated with his movements.

And then I figure out what it is: it's like both of his wrists were just permanently limp.

I completely lose sight of the story I'm telling and just stop talking.
And stare.

Luckily, I obviously wasn't sober, and I realized what I was doing after about seven seconds and just played it off like I completely forgot what I was talking about.  (Which, for the record, was completely true.  I just left out the fact that I couldn't remember because he had a Quasimodo face with gimp hands and I couldn't help but wonder if he rode the short bus to school.)...(Oh, he did inform me that he slept wrong and pinched nerves in his wrists, they should be back to normal in 6-8 weeks.) I recover, finish telling my story, and realize, while staring unabashed at him, that he kept WIPING DRIPPING PUSS from his face. 

And then he starts telling me about this horrible date he went on recently.  Here's what I remember from it:

• The girl lived in a hippie/nudist commune.
• She dug through the garbage at grocery stores to get food for the community.
• Her best friend's name is Toast.  

Ok, yes, it's kind of weird.  But he kept saying things like, "I just couldn't believe what I was hearing/seeing" and "I kept asking myself, is this for real".  True story: I was dying laughing because that was EXACTLY what was going on in my mind.
But about him.
And his four chins.
And the puss dribbling down them.
And him trying to mop it up with his gimp wrists.

 But really, the whole experience was horrible.  Actually, it was quite hilarious.  We'll probably hang out again...in 6-8 weeks.