Taking One For the Team

I'm not scared of many things. In fact, the other day as I was driving to work, I could only think of one thing that I am afraid of. My one irrational fear. Heights don't bother me (I've been skydiving twice), spiders and snakes aren't horrible (though I wouldn't chose to hold either), and I can handle dark, cramped spaces. Ladies and gentleman, I, Karsen Caulfield, am scared of black penis.

And today, I faced that fear head on, and lived to tell about it.

(Editor's note: Dad, if you're reading this, you should probably stop here.)

Lily and I have a joke about "taking one for the team" and having sex with a black man. Unfortunately, she and Marshall are together, so I'm the only one playing for the team right now. And, well, when you're scared of black penis, it makes it VERY difficult to find any sort of motivation to want to see one in person, let alone get close enough to let it try and squeeze into my vagina (c'mon, you know those things are BIG).

My deli man happens to be one of my favorite people in the world. He has two masters degrees, dreadlocks, super top secret security clearance, and a huge, black penis.

I headed out there today to pick up some sandwiches, and he opened the door in his boxers, a wife beater, one sock, and what looked like a shower cap.
"I know I'm a mess. I'm sorry. I'm so hungover."
"Why are you only wearing one sock?"
"I don't know, I told you, I'm a mess."

He crawled back into bed, and I sat down on the chair in his room with a sandwich. We caught up on the shit show that was his weekend and he topped it off with,
"And I came home with a girl last night and didn't even sleep with her. I kicked her out this morning, and I have this to prove it."
And he threw the blanket off and grabbed his penis through his boxers. Now, let me just say, that at this point in time, I was having a slight panic attack.
It was a close call, but I escaped unscathed.

"Just an fyi, next Sunday is my birthday, and we're celebrating all weekend, bitch. You better be ready."
"Did you just call me a bitch? Do you know what I do to women who call me a bitch? I slap them across the face with my penis."
"Oh stop, you know I use bitch as a term of endearment."
"And that's why I'm letting you know now. If it happens again, I'm telling you, my penis will be on your face."
(I'd like to interject two quick things here- 1. I do vaguely remember him saying the first time I met him, "You should see what happens when someone calls me a bitch." and 2. I was REALLY freaking out on the inside.)
"Ok, I'm sorry. I'll try and not let it happen again. But I'm telling you right now, it probably will."
"Well then my penis will probably be on your face."

I'm not kidding you when I say not 45 seconds later we were talking about something else and I accidently called him a bitch again. I jumped up and ran across the room (and in the process, pretty sure I tweaked my back; it still hurts).
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!"
"I warned you! It's happening. It may not be today, but it's going to happen at some point in time."
"Fuck. This is worse than the slap bet."
"I warned you."

Let me paint the picture for you of the following 45 minutes:
He was bundled up in his blanket on his bed. I was sitting next to him on the bed, both of us watching Super Troopers. Well, he was watching Super Troopers, I was scared I was going to have to see my first black penis and simultaneously so excited to be able to tell Lilly all about this story.
Every 10-15 minutes he'd look over at me and say, "Are you ready yet?"
And of course I'd get a look of complete dread and say, "No. Not ready."
"Well, it doesn't have to be today, but I'm letting you have the option of picking when it happens right now... otherwise it will be at my leisure."

I was not worried about the penis on the face aspect of this ordeal; I've had enough crazy, drunk friends who did this sort of thing to each other on a regular basis just for fun. The idea of penis on my face is normal. TWSS I was hyperventilating because said penis just happens to be a black penis. And huge. Deliman, however, thought it was the act itself:
As he grabs the Directv remote, "Are you ready yet?"
"NO!"
"Here, I'll show you what it'll be like, I promise it won't be that bad..." he lifted up the remote, I flinched, and he started cracking up, "you're right, that will hurt...don't worry, my penis will feel a lot better."
Seriously, it is times like these that I had video cameras recording my life because I'm sure my face was absolutely priceless.

And then, all of a sudden, there was a huge black penis in front of me, on my cheeck, and back away. It came out of nowhere, struck like a (one eyed) snake, and went right back into it's cubby hole. And then I just started laughing hysterically.
"See? now it's over with and you don't have to worry about it anymore."
"I just want you to know I'm telling everyone about this."
"If you wanna do that, that's on you."
"Oh it's happening. Your penis was just on my face and I lived to tell about it. Everyone is finding out about this."
At this point, he was looking for pants to put on so he could go outside and smoke a cigarette.  The closest thing he found was some girls blue skirt that she left, so he put it on, and I got to send my text to Lily.

 

 

And when deli man came back, he informed me that since I had already seen him naked, we'd already reached the point of no turning back, and it'd probably happen a lot more often. 

Then he took off his clothes, grabbed a towel and headed for the shower.  Right when he got to the door he turned around, looked at me oddly and said, "you know, you're the first girl to ever see me naked and not try to have sex with me.  You're deflating my ego a little bit."