A "How To" Approach

Everyone always asks, "Karsen, when are you going to finally settle down, get married, and have kids?" Of course my natural reaction to this question (after I swallow the bile rising in my throat) is "NEVER." Unfortunately, we all know this isn't true.  As much as I like to pretend I'm the Tin Man without a heart, it's down there somewhere.  So here, ladies and gents, is a simple (ever changing) guide on how to tame this bachelorette beast.

• Be funny.  Not just sometimes.  I need someone who will make me laugh daily.  Yes, you are going to have your bad days, but if you are so pathetically emo that on your lowest days you can't laugh, this is never going to work out.  So I guess that leads to
• Don't be emo.  Don't get me wrong, I love me some Dashboard, Saves the Day, Secondhand Serenade, etc.  But if you're moping around thinking about slitting your wrists, I'll probably do it for you to put us both out of our misery. (In high school my boyfriend told me he was going to shoot himself.  My response, "Don't get blood on the carpet." Seriously.)
• Do not try to or think about wearing Affliction or Ed Hardy apparel.  Do not wear clothes that are two sizes too small and don't ever buy white sunglasses.  I know you think you look good in them, but you DO NOT. 
• Give me mostly what I want- but not everything.  And make me work for it a little bit.  
• Tell me I'm beautiful daily.  (Guys, you can thank Schwaa for this one.)
• Surprise me with wine and ice cream.  And cookies.  And kittens.  And puppies.  
• Don't complain when I take a long time to get ready.
• Don't eat the last piece of cake.  
• Get along with my family.  Make an effort to make them like you.  If you want to be stuck with me, you're going to be stuck with them, too. 
• Have a backbone.  If you don't agree with me, don't just roll over and die.  Tell me what you think.  But you should probably let me win most of the time anyway.  
• Don't be a dick.  To me, anyone I know, or random strangers. 
• Oh, and if my friends don't like you, and you don't like my friends, you're outta here.  They came first, and will be there through everything.  They win. 
• Be able to read a map. If you try and use a map, PLEASE KNOW HOW TO USE IT.