Hey! Guess what, NO. ONE. CARES.

Do you remember when Facebook was only for college kids? Man, those were the days. 

When I first started at SJSU, you had to APPLY for a school email address- and I did just that just so I could be on Facebook.  It was like, your entrance fee- or better yet, your entrance exam.  Can't get into college? Welp, sorry, can't be a part of Facebook. 

Now anyone can join.  Shit, I'm friends with people's GRANDPARENTS on Facebook.  (Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm friends with MY grandparents on there.) Now that it's such a large part of everyone's lives, I feel like we're WAY overdue for a Guidelines to Facebook.

 

1. No one gives a fuck about what you ate that day.  Feel like sharing? Put a fucking picture on Instagram.  I don't want my news feed filled with pictures of your shitty spaghetti.  And definitely DON'T write about it.  I don't need to know how long it took you to boil the fucking noodles. 

   

2. No one cares that you're an Aries or a Taurus and that your horoscope says you'll be lucky this weekend.  In fact, the only way I'm going to care about your horoscope is if it tells you you're going to get in a horrific accident this weekend.  In that case, all I need to know is when and where so I can grab a seat and some popcorn. 

   

3. If you want to post about your exboyfriend, DON'T. I don't care how he left you, how ugly his new girlfriend is, or how fat he's gotten.  If you're posting about him you're not over him and the fact that you're making fun of him makes you look even more pathetic. 

   

4. If you're here to rain on someone else's parade, stop it.  You want to know why you're sitting home alone on a Friday night?  Because no one wants to hang out with a real life Eeyore. 

   
5. Want to share how you're feeling with everyone?  Spend 20 minutes writing up an epic post that conveys to everyone exactly how you're feeling?  Delete it.  I don't care if your arm got a cramp after the first ten minutes or that it is an entire page long.  No one's going to read it because,

   
6. New Years' resolution to go to the gym?  PLEASE tell us about it every time you go.  Check in! Explain how you did seven sit ups before you got a cramp and had to stop... because you're definitely going to keep up with it, and we're all on the edge of our seat to find out how long it took you to run a mile this time. 

   
7. I get it.  You have kids and they are now the center of your life. Sucks for you, but it happens.  Poop also happens.  But poop doesn't always have to go on Facebook.  And if it does go on Facebook, let's be an adult about it and call it poop.  If you have to describe your child's shit as "doo doo" or "number two" you should go back in time and abort the damn thing. 

 

Seriously, people.  Everything doesn't need to go on Facebook.  That's what Twitter is for... and don't even get me started on that.