National Condom Week

The first Tuesday that I lived in San Diego, I made my way out to PB to see a friend who was working and to get tacos and margaritas. 

 

 

Having lived in the middle of fucking nowhere for a year and a half, I couldn’t believe how many people were out and about on a Tuesday evening.  (It was my first legitimate culture shock being back.)

PB is always nuts.  But on a Friday- on Fridays, PB is a shit show. 

We had a pub crawl for work last Friday in honor of National Condom Week.  We walked around PB, in the prime shit-show hours, and passed out condoms.  I was not disappointed. 

 

“Hey guys, it’s national condom week, we’re handing out free condoms, you want some?”
“No thanks.  I don’t use condoms”
“Well, here’s our business card.  When things get funky, you give us a call.”

“Hey ladies, happy national condom week, do you want some free condoms?”

“no thanks, we’re lesbians.”
“Need a dental dam? STI’s can still be transferred through oral sex”
“yes! Thanks!”

 (Two guys sitting at the bar together)

“You guys want some free condoms?”
guy 1: “No thanks, I’m married.”
“Well what about your friend?”
Guy 1: “no, he just likes it when I stick my finger up his ass hole.”
“Oh, well take some lube, sounds like you’re going to need it.”.

To a table of 5-6 people:
“Hey guys, have some condoms, it’s national condom week.”

“ummm, ok. Thanks?”
“Will it make you feel better about it if I give you an XL?”
“Hell yeah!”
“Here ya go, buddy.  Hope you feel better now.”

 Two guys sitting with their backs to the bar:

“Hey guys, want some condoms? It’s national condom week!”
“Um, we’re not together.”
“Well, I didn’t necessarily mean for the two of you, just in general.”
“He’s lying.  He loves it when I jizz on his face.  He’s a cum guzzling fool.”
And then they continued to make “cum guzzling” motions. 

And my favorite: The last stop of the night, some older lady comes over and tries to grab the condom necklaces from me

“It’s my birthday, and I NEED one of these condom necklaces.”
“Well, here’s the thing, I’m only supposed to give the necklaces to security and bar tenders.  If you want the beads, you’re going to have to do something special for them… like show me your titties.”

And then she pulled them out.