It's Going Down...

I'm yelling Tinderrrrr!

 

Tinder is hands down my favorite dating app... not because I find a ton of dates on it, but because it is the most hilarious thing ever imagined.  Basically, it's connected to your Facebook, so you can only add pictures that are on Facebook.  You can have up to like 6 pictures, and can add a little blurb about yourself at the bottom.  It has access to your friends and the things you like.  Basically, you just swipe through pictures and if you like someone, and they like you, you can message back and forth with them.  So the good thing, is that the only people that can message you are the people you allow to message you.   The best thing, is I can waste half of my work day swiping through pictures.  Here are some gems:

 

 

 

Riiiiiiiiicooooo

Rico and I have a history.  A long and decorated history. 

Physically, he’s not what I would pick out of a crowd.  But, that’s the joy of getting to know someone in a completely platonic sense.  He, seriously, is what I would consider a perfect gentleman.  Perfect in every single way that matters.

After Cole and I broke up, Rico and I had a few moments.  They started as long glances in close quarters and slowly (ever so slowly) worked up to fully clothed make out sessions.  The first time we kissed, actually, was on Cole’s birthday the year I moved away from Sacramento.  It was heart stopping- and not just because Cole walked over to where we were right as we broke apart. 

And then I moved away.

We’ve kept in slight contact throughout the years (read: social media) but I have only seen him once or twice in the past three years.

 

I drove to Sacramento last weekend for his cousin’s wedding.  Originally, he was going to drive up with me (he’s living in LA for the time being) but ended up having to work Friday night, so he flew in Saturday morning, and I got to pick him up from the airport. 

Too excited to contain myself, I parked my car and went inside looking for him before he made his way outside.  As I made my way to him, and he turned and saw me, he dropped his bags, ran to me, wrapped his arms around me, picked me up, and didn’t let me go for a solid six seconds.  (His hugs are just as good as I remember.)

I dropped him off, went home and got ready, and vowed that I was going to make something happen at the wedding- no matter how small. 

When we showed up to the wedding, he was already there, we rolled down the windows to yell at him and a few of our other friends as we pulled up, but by the time we parked and walked over, he was taking family pictures.  We chit chatted with some of our other friends and made our way to the bar.  We ordered drinks, took a couple shots, and Rico walked up with his mom and little sister.  We ordered another round of drinks and then went to find our seats in the dining hall.  As we walked back out to join the party, we passed him again and he grabbed me around the waist, put a hand around my neck, kissed my cheek and told me I looked stunning.

 

After dinner, we were all outside and one of our friends was asking if she could marry Rico so she could adopt his mom and sister.  He agreed, but only if he could have sister wives because he wanted to marry me, too.

 

And then, as I was leaving, and saying my goodbyes, we hugged, he promised the next time he had two consecutive days off he’d come stay with me, and then kissed me goodbye.  It was beautiful.  And glorious.  And perfect.  

 

I’ve invited him to a birthday bbq I’m going to this weekend- Cross your fingers he can make it. 

Lesby Honest

I am a supporter, an ally, a fighter, a champion, but I am in no way curious. 

I met a lesbian at my cousins’ wedding last weekend.  She seemed super fun, funny, she smokes, we could totally hang out and chill.  And we did smoke, hang out, and chill at the wedding.  And she seemed super cool so I gave her my number, added her on the appropriate social media sites, and went about my business. 

And then she started texting me.  I didn’t think too much of it at first, we talked about hanging out and smoking or going out and getting drinks.  And then things started getting increasingly more... Friendly. By the end of the week, I definitely felt like I was texting with a guy who was interested and not a new friend; she got defensive when I made comments about how she’s still young (“I’m only four years younger than you, that’s nothing!”), offered to teach me how to play the guitar, invited me to watch her play a few songs with a band on Saturday night, and offered to buy my first round of drinks. 

 

Luckily, I had other friends (and family) going to the show, so I went with them.  We met at a friends’ house, took a few shots, smoked a few bowls, and headed over.
On the way, Lesby’s ex girlfriend and I were talking and she, with a very stern face, looked at me and said, “Just watch out for her.”

 

When we get to the bar, Lesby is in the corner and being super loud and obnoxious.  And drunk.  Her ex turns around and says "oh no. She's really drunk. Be careful" and looked directly at me when she said "be careful."

Leslie walks over and as she's passing me, puts her hand on my side... But it's super high, so she's like, basically cupping my boob. Then she gives me a hug. Buys me a drink. And like, won't walk further than like, 5 feet from me. She kept reaching back and touching me, rubbing my back, pinching my butt...And, for like, the first time in my life, I was so taken aback, I didn’t know how to react. She was being more forward than any man I had ever met…And of course everyone else is dyyyyyying laughing at me.

 

We go outside to smoke, and I’m talking with the girls and everyone’s laughing and telling me to watch my back because Lesby’s coming after me.  And then her ex says, “I’m sorry, this is my fault.  She mentioned to me that she was going to try and get you to go home with her, I told her you clearly were straight and weren’t interested, and I think she took that as a challenge.  I tried to tell her that you didn’t even come off as curious, I, on the other hand, was curious, but you’re definitely strictly dickly.”

 

We go back inside and after she was done playing, Lesby finds me, is shmammered, and is being even worse than before. The girls I came with are standing in front of us and Lesby says to me "so, are you going to go home with them tonight? Or, do you wanna come back with me? Smoke, chill, drink some beers, and like, just chill?" And with a blank face say "I'm going home with them."

 

 

 

 

By this point, one of our friends is singing with the band, so I'm trying to video her. And this bitch stands behind me, is pinching my ass, rubbing my back, grabbing my arm... I look at her and say "can you stop, please?" She gets all huffy and walks off. For two seconds, then tries to get me to follow her. I do not.

So, she like uses her body to push me to the side saying "come here come here" and says "so it's going to be like that? Maybe you should just leave. If it's going to be like that"

I give her my signature “bitch, you’re fucking crazy” look and walk outside to meet the rest of my group.  We hung out outside for about five minutes trying to decide if we were going to stay or move onto the next place when I look at my phone and see that I have three missed calls from Lesby. Three.  In five minutes. 

And then we left.

And then I woke up on Sunday morning to five texts from her ranging from “glad you came out last night” to “talking shit about me to my ex, that’s what’s up” to “dammmmmmmmmmmnit I really liked you too, shitty how it ended up.”

This weekend served as a good lesson for me- even if I could get over the whole distaste for vagina thing, I could NEVER be a lesbian because bitches be crazy.