Lesby Honest

I am a supporter, an ally, a fighter, a champion, but I am in no way curious. 

I met a lesbian at my cousins’ wedding last weekend.  She seemed super fun, funny, she smokes, we could totally hang out and chill.  And we did smoke, hang out, and chill at the wedding.  And she seemed super cool so I gave her my number, added her on the appropriate social media sites, and went about my business. 

And then she started texting me.  I didn’t think too much of it at first, we talked about hanging out and smoking or going out and getting drinks.  And then things started getting increasingly more... Friendly. By the end of the week, I definitely felt like I was texting with a guy who was interested and not a new friend; she got defensive when I made comments about how she’s still young (“I’m only four years younger than you, that’s nothing!”), offered to teach me how to play the guitar, invited me to watch her play a few songs with a band on Saturday night, and offered to buy my first round of drinks. 

 

Luckily, I had other friends (and family) going to the show, so I went with them.  We met at a friends’ house, took a few shots, smoked a few bowls, and headed over.
On the way, Lesby’s ex girlfriend and I were talking and she, with a very stern face, looked at me and said, “Just watch out for her.”

 

When we get to the bar, Lesby is in the corner and being super loud and obnoxious.  And drunk.  Her ex turns around and says "oh no. She's really drunk. Be careful" and looked directly at me when she said "be careful."

Leslie walks over and as she's passing me, puts her hand on my side... But it's super high, so she's like, basically cupping my boob. Then she gives me a hug. Buys me a drink. And like, won't walk further than like, 5 feet from me. She kept reaching back and touching me, rubbing my back, pinching my butt...And, for like, the first time in my life, I was so taken aback, I didn’t know how to react. She was being more forward than any man I had ever met…And of course everyone else is dyyyyyying laughing at me.

 

We go outside to smoke, and I’m talking with the girls and everyone’s laughing and telling me to watch my back because Lesby’s coming after me.  And then her ex says, “I’m sorry, this is my fault.  She mentioned to me that she was going to try and get you to go home with her, I told her you clearly were straight and weren’t interested, and I think she took that as a challenge.  I tried to tell her that you didn’t even come off as curious, I, on the other hand, was curious, but you’re definitely strictly dickly.”

 

We go back inside and after she was done playing, Lesby finds me, is shmammered, and is being even worse than before. The girls I came with are standing in front of us and Lesby says to me "so, are you going to go home with them tonight? Or, do you wanna come back with me? Smoke, chill, drink some beers, and like, just chill?" And with a blank face say "I'm going home with them."

 

 

 

 

By this point, one of our friends is singing with the band, so I'm trying to video her. And this bitch stands behind me, is pinching my ass, rubbing my back, grabbing my arm... I look at her and say "can you stop, please?" She gets all huffy and walks off. For two seconds, then tries to get me to follow her. I do not.

So, she like uses her body to push me to the side saying "come here come here" and says "so it's going to be like that? Maybe you should just leave. If it's going to be like that"

I give her my signature “bitch, you’re fucking crazy” look and walk outside to meet the rest of my group.  We hung out outside for about five minutes trying to decide if we were going to stay or move onto the next place when I look at my phone and see that I have three missed calls from Lesby. Three.  In five minutes. 

And then we left.

And then I woke up on Sunday morning to five texts from her ranging from “glad you came out last night” to “talking shit about me to my ex, that’s what’s up” to “dammmmmmmmmmmnit I really liked you too, shitty how it ended up.”

This weekend served as a good lesson for me- even if I could get over the whole distaste for vagina thing, I could NEVER be a lesbian because bitches be crazy.