Punchy

Today was probably the first time I thought to myself, "sometimes, I can't believe what I put myself through for this blog." From the blisters on my feet (I really need to break in my new Rainbows the right way) to the (hopefully short lived) sunburn on my face/back/shoulders/chest, this ladies and gentleman, is for you.

You know Ted's kinda annoying but has a good heart best friend from high school? Well, I went to the zoo with him today. And it started out so promising:

Today is one of those days that I'm going to add to the list of qualities my potential mate must have. Like being able to read a map. If you try and use a map, PLEASE KNOW HOW TO USE IT. If I have to grab that fucker out of your hands to maneuver us away from the 560 bajillion bird exhibits and onto some cooler fucking animals, there's a good chance you're NEVER going to get into my pants. And I'm not giving the map back, either.

I think the point of no return came about an hour into the zoo excursion. In the middle of listening to a story, he looks over and yells, "ooh! A honey badger, I love honey badgers" and then literally JOGGED over to say hi to the honey badgers. When I finally caught up (I may or may not have almost been hit by a double-decker bus while trying to follow him) he said, "sorry, I just love honey badgers. Now what were you saying?"

And you know what he loved more than the honey badger? The dik dik. And then I had to hear dik dik stories the rest of the day. Out of ALL of the exhibits in the entire zoo, if he were to have to live in one, he'd chose the flamingo lawn. Seriously? It's just a square of grass and some dirty water. Why wouldn't you chose something more fun? Have an imagination or something, why don't ya? Oh, that's right, because his favorite animal is the honey badger... and we definitely had to stop by and say "bye" to him before we left.

 

A Quick Catch Up...

Ok, I know I suck.  I'm sorry.  But really, there is nothing of importance to any of these, sooo, sorry boys, but you get lumped together.  All nice guys... but all just friends. 

Oh, Heeeey, Arnold!  He had so much potential.  Full sleeves, guages, cute, funny... but in person he was so stiff/boring.  I mean, yes, he may loosen up if I were to continue to hang out with him...but it never got that far. And he said I had a small head and dubbed me Peanut Head. Well, Move it, Football Head!

Johnny Tsunami is going to teach me how to surf.  And THAT is exciting.  He also is a licensed sandwich eater...which means he gets more than just your average deli meats! He's part Asian and drives a rice rocket.  He's like one of those annoying puppy dogs that has so much energy you just want to drop kick him across the room... but you can't because he's too cute. 

And then there's Brazil.  He's not actually from Brazil, so don't think he looks Brazillian, he's definitely your typical blonde haired white boy.  He just recently went to Brazil.  And is quite possibly as big of a hippie as I am.  I doubt we'd hang out much more than to partake in sandwiches... he was kinda dumb.  He did, however, introduce me to something that I can't believe I never thought about before...especially how much Sister and I would sandwich in the car. 

Taking One For the Team

I'm not scared of many things. In fact, the other day as I was driving to work, I could only think of one thing that I am afraid of. My one irrational fear. Heights don't bother me (I've been skydiving twice), spiders and snakes aren't horrible (though I wouldn't chose to hold either), and I can handle dark, cramped spaces. Ladies and gentleman, I, Karsen Caulfield, am scared of black penis.

And today, I faced that fear head on, and lived to tell about it.

(Editor's note: Dad, if you're reading this, you should probably stop here.)

Lily and I have a joke about "taking one for the team" and having sex with a black man. Unfortunately, she and Marshall are together, so I'm the only one playing for the team right now. And, well, when you're scared of black penis, it makes it VERY difficult to find any sort of motivation to want to see one in person, let alone get close enough to let it try and squeeze into my vagina (c'mon, you know those things are BIG).

My deli man happens to be one of my favorite people in the world. He has two masters degrees, dreadlocks, super top secret security clearance, and a huge, black penis.

I headed out there today to pick up some sandwiches, and he opened the door in his boxers, a wife beater, one sock, and what looked like a shower cap.
"I know I'm a mess. I'm sorry. I'm so hungover."
"Why are you only wearing one sock?"
"I don't know, I told you, I'm a mess."

He crawled back into bed, and I sat down on the chair in his room with a sandwich. We caught up on the shit show that was his weekend and he topped it off with,
"And I came home with a girl last night and didn't even sleep with her. I kicked her out this morning, and I have this to prove it."
And he threw the blanket off and grabbed his penis through his boxers. Now, let me just say, that at this point in time, I was having a slight panic attack.
It was a close call, but I escaped unscathed.

"Just an fyi, next Sunday is my birthday, and we're celebrating all weekend, bitch. You better be ready."
"Did you just call me a bitch? Do you know what I do to women who call me a bitch? I slap them across the face with my penis."
"Oh stop, you know I use bitch as a term of endearment."
"And that's why I'm letting you know now. If it happens again, I'm telling you, my penis will be on your face."
(I'd like to interject two quick things here- 1. I do vaguely remember him saying the first time I met him, "You should see what happens when someone calls me a bitch." and 2. I was REALLY freaking out on the inside.)
"Ok, I'm sorry. I'll try and not let it happen again. But I'm telling you right now, it probably will."
"Well then my penis will probably be on your face."

I'm not kidding you when I say not 45 seconds later we were talking about something else and I accidently called him a bitch again. I jumped up and ran across the room (and in the process, pretty sure I tweaked my back; it still hurts).
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!"
"I warned you! It's happening. It may not be today, but it's going to happen at some point in time."
"Fuck. This is worse than the slap bet."
"I warned you."

Let me paint the picture for you of the following 45 minutes:
He was bundled up in his blanket on his bed. I was sitting next to him on the bed, both of us watching Super Troopers. Well, he was watching Super Troopers, I was scared I was going to have to see my first black penis and simultaneously so excited to be able to tell Lilly all about this story.
Every 10-15 minutes he'd look over at me and say, "Are you ready yet?"
And of course I'd get a look of complete dread and say, "No. Not ready."
"Well, it doesn't have to be today, but I'm letting you have the option of picking when it happens right now... otherwise it will be at my leisure."

I was not worried about the penis on the face aspect of this ordeal; I've had enough crazy, drunk friends who did this sort of thing to each other on a regular basis just for fun. The idea of penis on my face is normal. TWSS I was hyperventilating because said penis just happens to be a black penis. And huge. Deliman, however, thought it was the act itself:
As he grabs the Directv remote, "Are you ready yet?"
"NO!"
"Here, I'll show you what it'll be like, I promise it won't be that bad..." he lifted up the remote, I flinched, and he started cracking up, "you're right, that will hurt...don't worry, my penis will feel a lot better."
Seriously, it is times like these that I had video cameras recording my life because I'm sure my face was absolutely priceless.

And then, all of a sudden, there was a huge black penis in front of me, on my cheeck, and back away. It came out of nowhere, struck like a (one eyed) snake, and went right back into it's cubby hole. And then I just started laughing hysterically.
"See? now it's over with and you don't have to worry about it anymore."
"I just want you to know I'm telling everyone about this."
"If you wanna do that, that's on you."
"Oh it's happening. Your penis was just on my face and I lived to tell about it. Everyone is finding out about this."
At this point, he was looking for pants to put on so he could go outside and smoke a cigarette.  The closest thing he found was some girls blue skirt that she left, so he put it on, and I got to send my text to Lily.

 

 

And when deli man came back, he informed me that since I had already seen him naked, we'd already reached the point of no turning back, and it'd probably happen a lot more often. 

Then he took off his clothes, grabbed a towel and headed for the shower.  Right when he got to the door he turned around, looked at me oddly and said, "you know, you're the first girl to ever see me naked and not try to have sex with me.  You're deflating my ego a little bit."

Matt Tastic

I want Matt to be my best friend. Before I even hung out with Matt I wanted him to be my best friend. He smokes sandwiches, he makes me laugh, and he's not bad on the eyes.

After hanging out with him for fourteen hours I REALLY want him to be my best friend. Not only is he cute, and funny, and partakes in sandwiches but he's fun, easy to hang out with, and a really good cuddler (seriously, this is important). He feels like he's been my best friend forever.  

As my best friend, he agreed to these terms and conditions:

• Celebrate my birthday the entire month of March.
• Harry Potter marathons.
• Go on Slurpee and sunset excursions weekly.
• Movie dates on request.
• Dancing at least once a month.
• Surfing lessons when the weather gets warmer.
• Trips to the zoo, Sea World, Six Flags, Disneyland, whale watching, and hot air balloon rides.

And, as long as he doesn't fall in love with me, we can venture into the FWB zone after a solid month of friendship. However, if it does go there, all the L@k3r$ shit on his walls must come down.  He even pinky promised.

And then we watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. And when that was over, we went dancing. 

It was a Matnificent night.

A Word From Above

This place is seriously a gem.  Their weekly messages never disappoint (but I usually forget to take pictures of them). 

From 2010

And from last week:

I LOVE spelling errors!

Bronx Beard

"I have a new sandwich partner! Woooo!"

Charli looked up and smiled, "Who were you with? BJB?"
"No."
"Oh, the one you showed me a picture of earlier?"
"Who?"
"The dorky lookin guy."
"No that's Saturday."
"Spladow?"
"Nope."
"Well whoo?"
"The black one. But not the black one with the nose ring. The other one...with the beard!"
"Oh yeah, I remember now."
"Well, at least you have a new sub friend, you sure nothing else?"
"Oh, no. Nothing else. He'll be my sandwich partner. End of story. He might not realize that right now, but he'll know pretty quick. But at least I have a someone to go to the deli with!  

Blue Jean Ben

Blue Jean Ben is mysterious. He's Paul Rudd circa Clueless. <valley girl voice> And c'mon! Clueless is like totally one of the best movies ever! I mean, it is kind of weird that Josh is Cher's step-brother, but he's cute, so like, whatever, right?! </valley girl voice>

Stats:
Age: 30
Height: 6'1ish
Hair: Dark Brown
Eyes: Green/Hazel

He's funny. He carries on absurd conversations about the Princess and the Pea, Santa's peddling meth to kids, and entertains me having an entire month to celebrate my birthday and even suggested expanding it to the entire year. (It's in serious consideration.) He's intelligent, a humanitarian, and crazy enough to quit a great job to follow his dreams. He could definitely have potential. (...but you see how picky I am about my shoes, and those only go on my feet.)

Unfortunately, he's only been in the city for a total of 6 days now, so his life is still a whirlwind.  Add to that trying to get his company rolling- I don't foresee his life settling down anytime soon...so we'll see how much extra time he'll have for the likes of me, or rather, how much he actually likes me. 
Depending on how he handles it, my girl side might come out on this one.

I felt impotent and out of control.  Which I really, really hate.

I had to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength...