The Stuff from Duff

Due to situations out of my control and desperate need, I had to go to someone else for the goods this week.  I felt bad, but I let Deliman know ahead of time, so I felt a little better about it.  And I went to:

This guy.

 

Small recap:  his face is no longer mishapen and hideous.  But he still does have the fair hands.  At least he's making strides in the right direction. 

 

Duff told me to meet him at his house around 9 so we could go pick up together.  Well, in my experience, he's always late so I didn't plan on getting there until closer to 10.  I think we finally met up around 9:45.  Now, let me just paint this picture for you:

• I had a long day at work.  I wanted to smoke.
• I was PMSing.  I wanted to smoke.
• I didn't have anything to smoke.
• I had to drive 40 minutes to meet this guy at his house only to find out he HADN'T EVEN CALLED HIS GUY yet. 

He gets into my car and we head to this guys house.  Now, the reason we had to go so late was because he was "running errands" which, apparently, is Duff speak for getting sloshed. 

 

 



So, not only does he smell like Scope and Whiskey, he also smells like he literally RAN his errands. 

He had the courtesy to rinse his mouth, but not to put on deodarant.  Or, I guess bathing in Axe, which I would expect to be more his style.  As if whiskey breath and BO isn't bad enough, this mother fucker starts farting. 

 

 

 

 



UGGGHHHH.  I got the goods, dropped him off and got the fuck out.  Oh, and he may or may not have rapped to me on the way home.  It was awkward.  I was stoned.  I hope I never have to do that again. 

#latepost

Duff Stuff

While texting beforehand, Duff warned me that his face was swollen from an infection.  An infection from trying to drunkenly dig out an in-grown hair from his ridiculously horrible beard.
 
"So last night I needed a bandage and had to Macgyver one with tp and packing tape but I guess I'm allergic to the packing tape cause that side of my face is hella puffy and swollen now.  I look like a marshmallow and I had to shave my beard off."
"Stop being a girl, I doubt it's that bad."
"If I was in high school, I'd have no friends.  And I'd be eating alone at lunch."
"Eating alone in the cafeteria? Or hiding in a bathroom stall somewhere?"
"Bathroom stall, too ashamed to show my face around any pretty girls and hiding from the wrath of jock bullies."

Fortunately, the beard didn't make it.  Unfortunately, neither did his face. Seriously, his face WAS that bad.  I almost feel bad for calling him a girl.  Almost.

But really, imagine this guy:

But all confined to one side of his face.

Ok, so he looked horrible.  Whatever, I'm not THAT shallow.

He rolls up and I start going into one of my Robin charades where I think I'm hilarious and telling all of my hilarious stories.  In the midst of my story, as he's rolling for a second time, I realize that he's holding the wrapper weird.  And is being very... animated with his movements.

And then I figure out what it is: it's like both of his wrists were just permanently limp.

I completely lose sight of the story I'm telling and just stop talking.
And stare.

Luckily, I obviously wasn't sober, and I realized what I was doing after about seven seconds and just played it off like I completely forgot what I was talking about.  (Which, for the record, was completely true.  I just left out the fact that I couldn't remember because he had a Quasimodo face with gimp hands and I couldn't help but wonder if he rode the short bus to school.)...(Oh, he did inform me that he slept wrong and pinched nerves in his wrists, they should be back to normal in 6-8 weeks.) I recover, finish telling my story, and realize, while staring unabashed at him, that he kept WIPING DRIPPING PUSS from his face. 

And then he starts telling me about this horrible date he went on recently.  Here's what I remember from it:

• The girl lived in a hippie/nudist commune.
• She dug through the garbage at grocery stores to get food for the community.
• Her best friend's name is Toast.  

Ok, yes, it's kind of weird.  But he kept saying things like, "I just couldn't believe what I was hearing/seeing" and "I kept asking myself, is this for real".  True story: I was dying laughing because that was EXACTLY what was going on in my mind.
But about him.
And his four chins.
And the puss dribbling down them.
And him trying to mop it up with his gimp wrists.

 But really, the whole experience was horrible.  Actually, it was quite hilarious.  We'll probably hang out again...in 6-8 weeks. 

A Trip to the Dark Side

So, we knew this day was coming. I knew it would happen eventually. Everyone else hoped it would come sooner. But everyone was in agreement that it WOULD happen. And it did.

I took one for the team.

And I broke the cardinal rule of life: don't sleep with your dealer.

Fortunately for me, my dealer is really chill and it doesn't change anything between us at all... except I get railed every time I go to get weed.

However, this does change the whole dynamic of the house. Matt won't even look at me anymore. He pretty much ignores me at all costs...which is funny because he's the one who stopped talking to me first. I went through three weeks of no contact with Matt before I decided to say "fuck it" and go for it. Actually, I realized the only reason I wasn't having sex with Chadwick was to be able to salvage something with Matt... but Barney put it best (after applauding me for going through with it) "If Matt's going to be a dick, the best revenge is to be a bitch right back."

Yes, I'm taking life advice from Barney now.

This could get pretty interesting.

Muhammad Ali

Ali is not what I'd normally go for, for starters, he's brown. Like, from head to toe. He's smart, he's witty, he makes me laugh, and he has this stupid sly smile that makes my knees go weak. He's in his last semester of law school, exactly one week younger than me, and he's brown. (This is a big deal, I promise.)

I met Ali at the bar. He was holding down the pool table and absolutely annihalating the guy who kept trying to beat him.  Ali introduced me to Douchebag McGee and I automatically just assumed they were friends or roomates or something since they seemed to know each other pretty well. While Ali was running the table, DB McGee would come over and make small talk. He tried to talk to me about the Padres (I was wearing a Padres tee and he was wearing a Padres hat)
"How was opening day?"
"Ummm, it sucked..."
"Oh. Did you go?"
"No. It was in New York... they don't play at home until next week."
"Oh, I don't watch baseball at all. Are you going?"
"Yes. With Ali."
"Oh, that's cool. So, can I see your boobs?"

And then it got weird. DB McGee started rubbing my back, trying to kiss my cheek, and flirting with me in front of Ali. And he was just rolling his eyes and laughing about it. Again, I thought they knew each other; I figured it was his roommate trying to make him jealous or a friend just giving him a hard time.

After winning four games of pool in my presence, Ali asked if I wanted to play darts instead. Unfortunately, DB McGee wasn't done losing and kept putting quarters in for more games. (Ali did inform me later that he didn't mind because he was enjoying showing off for me.)

At the end of the night, after I said good-bye to Ali and got into my car, DB McGee grabbed my door and asked where I was going.
"home."
"Well come home with me instead."
"Umm, no thanks."
"My roommate has an 8-ball of coke."
"Cool. Still going home. Alone. Please shut the door, thanks."

When I got home, Ali informed me that he did NOT know DB McGee. And that he saw him trying to go home with me. And laughed some more.

S.O.S.

As of right now, I think the crisis has been averted... However, I don't know how long I will stay strong. 
Last week, the deli man (who shall be dubbed Chadwick from here on out) tried to get in my pants.  And told me he likes me (but we agreed that no dating would be involved).
We have hung out six of the past eight days. 
(Please remember that this is Matt's roommate!!!)
I told him I wouldn't sleep with him because he lives under the same roof as Matt... and I feel like that should be a good enough reason... but it just isn't.  It also doesn't help that Faith and Charlii are 100% on board and are pulling others onto the bandwagon.
Also not helping: The fact that I've had a weed crush on him since day one, I know he's packing, and he wouldn't be weird about things afterwards.  He could be my black Barney!
So I guess the real problem here is this: Do I mix business with pleasure? 

All Matt Recap

In my three week writing hiatus you've missed out a lot on the progression with Mr. Matt.

Here are some highlights:

We had sex. I made him take the Lakers pennant off the wall before I'd allow it to happen. I also left immediately afterwards. Ok, it wasn't IMMEDIATELY afterwards, we hung out in bed for a couple minutes... but when we got dressed and went to the living room his roommate was on the couch (the one I don't know, not the deli man). I got awkward and bounced. Seriously, I left so quickly that I didn't even go to the bathroom which means I couldn't have a sandwich on the way home because I didn't wash my hands. It was a nightmare.

We had a perfectly magical Sunday funday. And aside from spilling the beans about crushing on him, we had a picture perfect day (seriously, look at that!):

We cuddled on the couch while watching the ceiling move, went for an excursion through some neighborhoods, down a cliff, and into a bed of rocks for the sunset. Almost went and saw a psychic,

 

(I'm going to do this one day!), and then had a heart to heart in bed. I honestly think it will be difficult for me to want to do magic with anyone other than him (or another boy I like) again because it was such a perfectly romantic day. (Lily, I understand why you didn't like doing it without Marshall now.)

We spent my birthday together.

Forty full hours including a night of dancing and drinking, a night of relaxing on the couch watching movies, playing video games, and a lot of day sleeping. I basically turned into a vampire for my 28th birthday.

And now I'm being a girl. I don't know why I'm being a girl. He obviously likes me- the Lakers pennant is still not on the wall. He TOLD me he liked me. But... he's doing everything perfectly right to get me to like him. He rarely texts during the week, only texts when he wants to hang out (we don't always have sex), and basically doesn't act like every other boy int he world... So now, I act like a girl. I'm sure I'll get over it in a few weeks... or the next time I see him which will be in like two days.

(Mathew, if you are reading this, please start playing along.  The only thing I hate more than losing is acting like a girl... and I feel like I AM losing when I act like a girl. For the love of my sanity [and yours in the long run] stop playing these stupid games!)