Flashback Friday: Zebra Cooch

With my favorite waxist of all times leaving me for a boy in Santa Barbara, I’m back to finding a new one.  Which is really unfortunate considering she has seen my vagina more often than anyone else in San Diego.  Seriously. 

 

Every four weeks for almost a year and a half now… not to mention the first time we were together in Sacramento!

 

When she first left me in Sacramento, I had the MOST HORRIBLE waxing experience of my entire life.  She did apply pressure after removing the wax strip, and when I got home, I realized she didn’t even remove all of the wax.  Though, I didn’t realize it until I had to pee, pulled my pants down, and felt a ripping sensation. 

 

I looked in the mirror and realized my vagina looked like it had blue zebra stripes on it from all the wax that was still stuck to me. 

But even that is better than trying to do it yourself.

 

 

Satisfying My Inner Tween

My 13 year old self is bursting at the seams. 

 

 

It’s funny how much my taste in men has changed over the years- I used to LOVE me some Nick Carter.  But last night, I realized I’m more of a Kevin and AJ kinda girl.  (Don’t get me wrong, Nick’s still got it- I just like ‘em darker these days!)

 

 

At one point, Kevin was standing on the stage directly in front of me, making eye contact with me, and singing.  TO ME. 

And then all of a sudden my panties were on stage. 

Not kidding, if you get a chance to see Backstreet Boys in concert- DO IT. 

 

Wedding Fever

I’ve always heard that weddings are the perfect place to pick up guys, but I had no idea how true this actually was.  (Probably because I’ve always gone to weddings with boyfriends before.)

My cousin got married this past weekend and I had multiple people come up to me and tell me that all the single guys there were “on the prowl.”

 

I was cornered by one guy (who I’m assuming was the wingman) to take a picture with another guy… who then sat there and tried to have a conversation with me (in broken English, mind you) for the next 25 minutes.  While my friends sat across the room at a table all waving to me. 

Luckily, a group of his friends walked in and I was eventually able to sneak away. 

 

 

At the end of the night, Bubba (my cousin tried to set us up a while ago, but nothing came of it outside of following each other on social media) came up to me and gave me a hug and said hi.  We actually ended up hanging out the following night, but again, nothing came of that either. 

 

Anyway, have another one in a few weeks, so we'll see how that goes!

 

 

 

Bachelorette Success

Apparently, the key to standing out in a bar for a bachelorette party is not matching shirts.  It’s not light up necklaces or even large penises everywhere.  It’s carrying around a picture frame. 

 

Everyone LOVES taking pictures when they’re drunk- and having a picture frame makes it even more appropriate.  We had people lining up to take pictures with us… definitely the biggest hit of the night. 

 

Always Stay Late!

If there is one thing I’ve learned- when it comes to work functions, ALWAYS stay until the end.  I don’t care how boring it is, if everyone else wants to leave early- ALWAYS be one of the last people to leave.  Especially when there’s alcohol involved.

 

 

I got drunk with me CEO and COO this weekend.  We had a work dinner, and while everyone else was packing up their shit and getting ready to jet out the door at the first opportunity, I was sitting back, enjoying my wine, and preparing for the show.  After everyone jetted, Persephone and I scouted and found the CEO and went over to say hi to him.  Within five seconds he and one of the other directors invited us to the lobby bar for drinks.  Lots of drinks.  At first there were just a few of us… and then more and more people kept meeting us down there.  Senior VPs, Board members, Directors, and eventually, the CEO.  Everyone just hanging out, chit chatting, and buying round after round. 

And when people get drunk, you learn things about them.  Things they wouldn’t tell you if they were sober.  Things you wouldn’t know if you had left early.

 

 

ALWAYS stay until the end.  Especially if there is alcohol involved. 

Navy Officer Update!

I may have spoken too soon on this whole Navy Officer thing. 

We’ve hung out three times in the last five days, he leaves in two days, and all I just want to spend time with him every day until he leaves. 

Yeah, I know.  That’s weird. 

It’s possible that he’s put some sort of black magic on me (because, well, he’s black) and I’m under his spell. 

Or it could just be because I know he leaves for three months and then I won’t have to deal with him. 

But seriously, he’s pretty awesome.  And by “pretty awesome” I mean

#WorstDateEver

I’ve been on a lot of first dates since moving to San Diego, but I’m pretty sure this one takes the cake. 

We’d been corresponding for about a week on Facebook… and he was kind of weird.  But I seriously was chalking it up to not being able to read a person’s emotions in writing… some things just get lost in translation. 

Well, turns out, should have trusted my gut on this one, dude was fuckin’ weird. 

So let’s go over the few things I knew about him before we went out:

· He’s been in San Diego for about seven months. 

· He “lives” in Little Italy (we’ll get into the quotation marks later) 

· He volunteers at a Christian Church most Mondays, and other days when he has time. 

· He describes himself as a wonderer- he loves just hanging out at coffee shops and on street corners just talking to people.  

· He hates Christians. And the military. And anything remotely right winged.

And then we went out.  First of all, he looked like a borderline homeless man.  Not kidding.  He single handedly mythbusted the idea that men are more attractive with beards.  He also was wearing the exact same thing he is wearing in every single picture he has on Facebook (a beanie and a red plaid button up). 

This is pretty much what he looked like.

He had me meet him at a coffee shop.  That was closed… so that was… weird… to begin with. 

We started walking toward the beach, and I’m not sure what he did, if he tripped, stumbled or what, but he grabbed onto my purse.  Twice.  And stuck his hand in it.  Twice.  (Gentleman: do not touch a woman’s purse. )

 

He tells me on the way that he spends all day talking to random people but, for some reason, just couldn’t think of anything to say to me… and then decided to make jokes about kidnapping and raping me.  AND THEN made the comment “this is just getting more and more sketchy the further from civilization we walk, isn’t it?” (we were walking towards the beach.)  WHAT?!  WHO SAYS THAT?!

 

 

On the way back from the beach, he took food from a homeless man who addressed him by name and then asked if he had a place to stay that night… (mental note that he “lives” in Little Italy).  We walked to his truck where he had a duffel bag in the bed and he said, “Everything I own is in this truck.”  (So you live in your truck in Little Italy?)

 

If I wasn’t ready to get the fuck out of dodge at this point, as we’re sitting and talking he tells me that all Christians are horrible people and he can’t wait until they don’t exist anymore- even if that means of extinction is genocide. 

Seriously.  He said that. 

Now, I realize that I’m an atheist, but so many of my good friends are Christians.  I don’t want them dead just because they believe in an imaginary man in the sky!  So we argued over that for a solid 20 minutes  before he finally says, “I’m surprised you disagree with me on this point.”

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, HITLER!

 

He then proceeded to tell me that I was uninteresting, a bad conversationalist, flat, and void of any emotion. 

When I finally got back to my car, he told me I was very uncomfortable to be around and not fun.  I just looked at him with a fake smile and said, “welp, have a good night.  Be careful, out there, there are a lot of crazies!"