September Round Up

Friday night leaving Ale House, we were walking behind these girls:

In the throng of people stumbling away to get food, hailing cabs, and generally trying to act sober in front of all of the cops, someone yells out of the window of his truck "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN TONIGHT?!" 

She yells, "TAKING A SHIT AND GOING TO BED!"  

Olivia and I immediately fish out our phones and start taking pictures.

Stay classy, San Diego. 

*****

What the fuck is a kumquat?  I can think of a thousand things it sounds like... a venereal infection, a sexual act, a torture device... 

Nope, they're little orange tree testicles.  Who knew?!

*****

So, I've exchanged a few messages with this boy on one of those dating websites.  Turns out, he's the new boy on my kickball team.  New season starts on the 3rd, so we'll see how this goes!  He's gonna get real me surrounded by all of my friends right from the start.  Also, this better not get in the way of me potentially hooking up with the new black substitute ball kicker we've recruited.  

*****

And finally, a big thank you to Southwest for having those little Doohickeys on the end of the wings of their planes so I can afford to fly into Sacramento in November for a Kings game.  

Herman Munster

I went on a date with Herman fucking Munster. 

I wasn't excited about this date to begin with... but I didn't realize why that was until I got there.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I LOVED watching the Munsters when I was little... but that's because I thought it was funny.  In no way did I ever want to be a part of the Munster family.

I mean c'mon! His wife is WHITER THAN THE WHITE GIRL.  DA FUQ?!

Anyway, back to Herman...

Seriously.  Just make that face a little wider, and that's what I looked at all night long.  

While he talked incessantly about Storm Troopers and Ewoks and the force.

And then when I told him I had never seen Star Wars before he says, "Oh. Yeah, I get it.  It's not that cool, but my brother loves it." 

But when we walked into the LEGO store, he went straight over and picked the Death Star set up.

Is "brother" code for "me"?

Finally, after dodging questions (read: lying) about what I was doing this weekend, he offered to walk me to my car (because there are "weirdos walking around) and I got out relatively unscathed. 

Guilty. As. Charged.

I'm not even going to lie... I've done nearly all of these.

Perhaps THIS is why I'm single after all!

PokeMex Battle Arena

Charlii has a thing for little Mexican men.  The shorter the better.  The hairier the better.  The nerdier, the better.  Recap: Charlii LOVES short, hairy, nerdy, Mexicans.

She has dubbed them PokeMexicans and has made it her current goal to catch 'em all.

And Ale House has apparently become the PokeMex battle arena; they come from near and far to battle for her love.  (Yes, I know SHE'S trying to catch THEM... but they LOVE her.  Black guys too... but that's irrelevant for this story.)

This is probably a good time to throw in the fact that I'm still going through a really dark time in my life.
And, of course, by "dark time" I mean "black boy."

Per usual, I was dancing with Arrrrsssiiiinnneeeeyooooo, and he brought a cute but a little too tall Mex for Charlii.  We'll call him Charizard.  Friday's battle came out of nowhere and turned out to be the most entertaining of all.

The battle didn't end until near the end of the night.  Charlii's favorite PokeMex, Pikachu, also happens to work security (Secuuurrrityyy!) at the arena so he always has home court.  He used it to his full advantage this weekend, when he saw Charizard going in for the kill, he walked over and kicked him out.  Just straight up kicked the mother fucker out.  For being "too drunk"... even though he didn't have a drink the entire time he was at the bar... and was acting just fine.  In true PokeMex fashion, Charizard didn't go out without a fight.  It took two others to help Pika get him out.

Not convinced that he had finished the job, he came over and accused Arrrrsssiiiinnneeeeyooooo of pointing at and having a problem with him... even though his back was to him.  Pika then kicked Arrrrsssiiiinnneeeeyooooo out as well.

Luckily it was near closing time and after a couple more songs, we were out in the throngs of drunk people with everyone else.  We found Arrrrsssiiiinnneeeeyooooo pretty quickly and he was NOT happy.  (Which of course made the whole thing even funnier to me.) But he couldn't understand what Charlii sees in Pika.

"His glasses are so thick he can see your tits through your shirt"

He kept asking her what she saw in him, but not matter what she said, he wasn't impressed. 

Arrrrsssiiiinnneeeeyooooo mentioned he was studying Psychology and Charlii asked him to decode Pikachu for her.  

"He's a faggot."

If he's right, Brother had a pretty good point, there are plenty of other PokeMex's running around- TJ's right there! 

Missed Connection

To the adorable boy who walked up to me and just started swing dancing with me at the Double Deuce on Saturday night:

Points for having balls.  Points for having moves. And double points for being fun.
Thanks for reminding me why that's my favorite bar... maybe we can do it again sometime.

Back to Barney

I thought I left Barney in the Midwest.  Well, I DID leave Barney in the Midwest... I just thought I left my feelings for him there, too. 

Ok, ok, I know.  I denied those feelings up until the very end- THAT is why I thought I left them there.

Until last weekend. 

I went back for a weekend getaway and was in for the surprise of my life: He's sexier than I remember.  He's matured more since I left.  And the sex...the sex is ten times better than I remember. 

Oh, and he totally is in love with me.  He TOLD me! I didn't even have to beat it out of him!  It was quite possibly THE BEST moment of my life: I OFFICIALLY tamed the one and only Barney Stinson.  Unfortunately, there's not much we can do about it now... short of me moving back to the midwest.  Could I do that?

Can I give up this:

For great sex? AND A BABY?! 

Perhaps the fact that I'm even CONSIDERING this is the scary part.