Move over, Jessica Biel!

A typical afternoon in the life of Karsen includes a trip to the beach to watch the sunset and enjoy a sandwich  Usually, I get yelled at from random males in cars, "hey beautiful, want company?" Nope. "Lookin' good" uh, thanks or, my personal favorite, "Hi, I'm Jake, you want to hook up?"
No Jake, I do not. If you are that easy, I can just imagine what kind of yellow, stench-filled secretions are ooozing from the pustules on your dick; thanks, but I'll pass!

Today was a hassle free day. I was enjoying the sights and sounds when, out of nowhere, I had two paws around my neck and a puppy growl in my ear.  I had been playfully attacked by the cutest Boxer puppy I had ever seen in my entire life.

What do I love more than sunsets? Puppies. Puppies at sunset are only enhanced by one thing, and as soon as I looked up to see if I was going to see my future exboyfriend, he ran up, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, are you ok?"

As I stared into his sparkling blue eyes for a second I racked my brain for something clever to say. Unfortunately, all I could think was "Fuck. I should have listened to grandma and done something with my hair today"
So, naturally, I said the fist thing that came to my mind, "I've never been mounted from the rear like that before."(twss)
REALLY, KARSEN? That's what you go with? Jesus fuck, no wonder you're single.
"I mean, yeah. I'm fine. He just scared me, that's all."
c'mon Karsen, say something witty. Impress him, bat your eye lashes, DO SOMETHING!

"I'm glad you're ok! I don't think he realizes how big he is. We try and bring him out here as much as possible to play..."
damn it. He's here with somebody
"...somewhere... there he is!" My future exboyfriend dropped to unavailable and then to uninterested in record time as I realized he was waving to his boyfriend.

"I'm so sorry! Are you ok?" I smiled and nodded while FXBF chimed in, "Poor girl was sitting here minding her own business when JT came out of no where and got her from behind!"

FXBF's boyfriend turned to scold the dog, "Justin Timberlake Andrson, you go say sorry" and pointed his finger at me.

I looked up instantly wide-eyed, "You named your dog Justin Timberlake?"

"Yep! Who wouldn't want to sleep with Justin Timberlake every night?"

Just then JT crawled up to my feet whimpering.  I bent down to scratch his ears, "Awww, it's ok boy you're cute enough to be able to jump on me whenever you want." I turned to the guys, "Well, it was a pleasure getting aquainted with you two; thanks for letting Justin Timberlake have his way with me."

Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight, I was humped by Justin Timberlake. 

Well, at least it sounds like a good story.

(Editor's note: My friends and I play this game- anytime you throw out "that's what she said" you have to follow it with a color.  The last person to throw out a color (no repeats!) has to moan like the opposite sex.  Those (twss) that you see are me calling them out and the color)
 

Spladow!

"Well, he was cuter than I expected..." Charli and I sat on her bed as I recounted the tale of my harrowing blind date . "Tall, good teeth, but... he was a little feminine. Well, maybe not feminine, but definitely soft spoken. He was funny, had a very dry sense of humor... but definitely funny. I'd for sure hang out with him again... but his penis will probably never meet my vagina."

"Not even pen pals?"

"Nope. Not even pen pals."

"Well what did you guys do? Did he hold good conversation? Ask good questions?"

"Yeah, great conversation, good questions. We kind of just walked around a bit, then drove to Sunset Cliffs for the sunset, and then headed out to Taco Tuesday. Like I said, it was a good time. I'd hang out with him again... but only if he understands and accepts the fact that we will just be friends. He can't fall in love with me."

"And that's where you're going to run into the problem."

"Yep. They always fall in love."

"You know, most girls would kill to have that problem."

"And I'm not most girls."

I smiled as my phone vibrated next to me. I unlocked it and opened the text from Ricardo (Charli's nickname for mr. blind date) "You are spladow as all hell." I read it twice and looked at Charli, "Do you know what spladow means?"

"Spladow? no. What the hell? What did the text say?" I read it back to her and looked at her quizzically. She pulled out her phone to Google it, started laughing hysterically and showed it to me:

"What the fuck? How am I that? Hold on..." I opened his conversation and quickly typed out, "ummm, what?" before giving Charli another quizzical look. "Should I be offended right now? Like, how do I take that? Are there other definitions?"

"Nope, that's pretty much it... can apply to throwing semen at someone...to fuck something up... or a word of exclamation during sex."

"WHAT. THE. FUCK?" Just then my phone went off again. "Oh God, I'm kind of scared for this one."

"u know, spluh. dow. or so damn fine."

"well, at least he thinks you're hot not covered in ejaculate."

"Well that's good since I have no intention of coming into contact with his penis...or his ejaculate."

"Are you going to tell him that he's using that word incorrectly?"

"Meh. He's a big boy, let him figure it out on his own."

A Quick Intro

Let's get the basics out of the way:

• female
• mostly white
• single 
• never married 
• no kids 
• college educated 
• liberal
• atheist 

I will probably make a lot of Jesus jokes. I will reference Harry Potter and How I Met Your Mother more than you would think possible (so if you haven't read the books or seen the show, you should probably do yourself a solid and check those out now).

For the most part, I am a normal girl: I love shopping, getting my nails done, I cry at stupid romantic comedies, and go crazy and partially lose my mind every four weeks, I have long hair (that I often color), wear make up (applied only after sandwiches and sans pants), and I have a vagina. However, I also love sports, drinking whiskey, and going out with the boys. I'm just as comfortable tossing a football around with the guys as I am sitting around and sipping wine with the girls.

Sweet baby Jesus blessed me with a huge rack, decent looks, and brains so it's never been difficult to find someone interested in me. Here's my major malfunction: boys fall in love with me. And it's almost always unrequited. (There is a trick, but we'll get into that later.) I always try and warn them, and I'm always up front with them from the beginning...but it doesn't always work (actually, I'm not sure it's EVER worked). My cousins attribute it to being part Veela (if you were savvy with the HP knowledge you wouldn't have had to look up that word), I am not sure what it is... but it never fails.

This is me, Karsen Caulfield, a habitual heartbreaker. Charging into my late twenties single, in a new city, with the whole world at my fingertips. I have a foul mouth and a dirty mind and no matter what I do, there is always a hilarious story that ensues. This is my effort to share those stories with you.

*all names and distinguishing characteristics have been changed to protect the guilty*