Welcome Back, Basketball!

Ahhhh, my favorite day of the year. 

(Behind my birthday.  Perhaps tied with football opening day)

 

Basketball is back, bitches.

My love.

 

 

My loves.

 

 

Not a Kings post without Sign Lady!

 

and Fuck all you haters.

Why You Don't Include Your Face in Dick Pics...

Last Christmas while bored at home, one of my best friends and I (he's gay) were perusing Grindr.  Out of the blue, this guy sends a dick pic. 

We were so flabbergasted/appalled that it instantly became a joke between us (and anyone else we would randomly want to scar and send it to). 

 

Let me give you a visual without really giving you a visual:

He has the messiest Jew fro you've ever seen.

His eyes look like little beady raccoon eyes.

He's not even remotely groomed (top or bottom head).

Both nipples are pierced (missed this for the first few months- it took us a while to grow accustomed to it and able to look at it for more than 1.3 seconds.

NO man-scaping what-so-ever.

And his penis is just flaccid. 

Just hanging out.

In fact, he looks just like a dude, standing in front of someone, waiting for them to tell him what to do.

 

I have a friend who likes to send ridiculous Snapchats all the time.  Old, obese women pouring ranch on their tits on the bar (literally, bar holding up the boobs because they sag so much), white trash women with rotting teeth talking about sex while licking her lips... just utter trainwrecks.  The type of Snapchats you love to hate. 

 

Anyway, today is his birthday and I decided to send him our naked man. 

And then this happened. 

(Warning: You're about to see peen.  And it's not pretty)

 

And this is why you don't include your face in dick pics- you might end up on a blog one day. 

UGH

I feel like all of my time recently has been over-powered by Lenny.  Not that I'm necessarily complaining, I just don't know that it's going anywhere and... I'm at the point where I'm either ready for it to start going somewhere or be completely over it. 

 

We've been not-dating for three months and have grown to spend three to four nights together every week... Perhaps I'm just starting to be a girl, but I'm ready to get on with it or move on.

 

But of course, I'll never say that to him because he's still really sexy and the sex is really good.

 

But just in case things are ending, let's recap some of my favorite moments:

 

 

After a day of drinking and before a night of debauchery.

 

From my favorite day of drinking and mushrooms

 

And what my Friday nights have started to look like post Ale house. 

 

 

The End of An(other) Era

I think our Friday nights at Ale House have come to an end. 

 

 

 

I know.  Freaking crazy, right?

With all the change in security

 

We’re just not into it anymore.

So now we have to find a new bar, become regulars, and get that VIP status again.

 

Baby Fever

There’s a reason I work at Planned Parenthood: I hate babies. 

Babies are like these weird alien things that, no matter how new or hideous they are, make everyone around them turn into cooing creatures who think they’re adorable.  

 

 

 

 

And now everyone in my family is popping them out. 

My sister should be popping out her second any day now. 

My step-brother called me on Saturday to tell me that he impregnated his 40+ year old girlfriend and they’re expecting a baby in March… his first.  Her fifth. 

And yesterday, I got the dreaded call from little brother saying he knocked up his stupid girlfriend.  No seriously, she’s stupid (they both are)… no form of birth control at all.  And they can’t even pay all their own bills now, with just the two of them.  

Congratulations, Mom.  Looks like you’ll be raising another kid. 

And to that- I’ll drink.

Because I still can. 

 

We Have a Genius on our Hands!

Sometimes I don’t know if I’m a genius or if everyone around me is just a fucking idiot. 

I’m new to this coffee drinking thing, and after getting a quick rundown of how to make coffee (yes, I was that clueless) I quickly perfected best practices. 

We have one of those double warmer-coffee makers where one pot is for normal people coffee and the other pot is for decaf.  (What the fuck is the point of decaf coffee, anyway? If it doesn’t keep you awake, why drink it?!)

 

Someone watched me make coffee yesterday and actually called me a genius because I used the decaf pot to pour water into the machine…and no coffee spilled as it was being made.  …And here I am thinking that was common sense. 

 

And yes, I work with one of those people who labels EVERYTHING… because apparently the coffee pot is going to grow legs and walk away.  We need to make sure everyone knows it’s OURS. 

 

Why So Serious?

Things aren’t supposed to get serious. 

We were doing a REALLY GOOD JOB of not getting serious. 

And then we spent four nights together and have seen each other five days in a row. 

 

The weirdest part is that I’m not even getting sick of him yet… I’m just not use to spending this much time with another person.