I Don't Want Your Beef Jerky

Dear Men of the World,

 

I know being fit and being tan go hand-in-hand, but no one thinks a body builder tan is attractive.  I don't even know that people find body builders attractive. 

 

This is NOT cute.

 

Fortunately, what this guy has going for him is that his "tan" is likely sprayed/painted on.  He didn't spend days on end in the sun or under artificial light to get this color.  His skin doesn't look like beef jerky. 

 

Unfortunately for the guys we met on vacation, they HAD spent weeks in the sun (two) and their coloring was very similar to what you see above.  They were an interesting bunch. 

 

Their girlfriends didn't like us very much... which was ok because we didn't like their boyfriends very much, they just kept talking to us and kept ordering us drinks from the bar, so it's not like we were going to walk away.  

 

After hours of dirty looks and snide comments ("I HATE girls.") and a bucket or two of beers, we finally had enough.

 

"Have a good night guys, we're gonna go get ready for dinner, we've had our fill of beef jerky."

Girls' Trip!

Ahhh.

November is quickly becoming my second favorite month because, apparently, I like to vacation in November. 

Last year it was the roadtrip across the dirty south.

This year? Girls’ trip to Mazatlan!  

Seven days in the sun, sand, and a drink in our hand!

Ohhhh the possibilities!

Welcome Back, Basketball!

Ahhhh, my favorite day of the year. 

(Behind my birthday.  Perhaps tied with football opening day)

 

Basketball is back, bitches.

My love.

 

 

My loves.

 

 

Not a Kings post without Sign Lady!

 

and Fuck all you haters.

Why You Don't Include Your Face in Dick Pics...

Last Christmas while bored at home, one of my best friends and I (he's gay) were perusing Grindr.  Out of the blue, this guy sends a dick pic. 

We were so flabbergasted/appalled that it instantly became a joke between us (and anyone else we would randomly want to scar and send it to). 

 

Let me give you a visual without really giving you a visual:

He has the messiest Jew fro you've ever seen.

His eyes look like little beady raccoon eyes.

He's not even remotely groomed (top or bottom head).

Both nipples are pierced (missed this for the first few months- it took us a while to grow accustomed to it and able to look at it for more than 1.3 seconds.

NO man-scaping what-so-ever.

And his penis is just flaccid. 

Just hanging out.

In fact, he looks just like a dude, standing in front of someone, waiting for them to tell him what to do.

 

I have a friend who likes to send ridiculous Snapchats all the time.  Old, obese women pouring ranch on their tits on the bar (literally, bar holding up the boobs because they sag so much), white trash women with rotting teeth talking about sex while licking her lips... just utter trainwrecks.  The type of Snapchats you love to hate. 

 

Anyway, today is his birthday and I decided to send him our naked man. 

And then this happened. 

(Warning: You're about to see peen.  And it's not pretty)

 

And this is why you don't include your face in dick pics- you might end up on a blog one day. 

UGH

I feel like all of my time recently has been over-powered by Lenny.  Not that I'm necessarily complaining, I just don't know that it's going anywhere and... I'm at the point where I'm either ready for it to start going somewhere or be completely over it. 

 

We've been not-dating for three months and have grown to spend three to four nights together every week... Perhaps I'm just starting to be a girl, but I'm ready to get on with it or move on.

 

But of course, I'll never say that to him because he's still really sexy and the sex is really good.

 

But just in case things are ending, let's recap some of my favorite moments:

 

 

After a day of drinking and before a night of debauchery.

 

From my favorite day of drinking and mushrooms

 

And what my Friday nights have started to look like post Ale house. 

 

 

The End of An(other) Era

I think our Friday nights at Ale House have come to an end. 

 

 

 

I know.  Freaking crazy, right?

With all the change in security

 

We’re just not into it anymore.

So now we have to find a new bar, become regulars, and get that VIP status again.

 

Baby Fever

There’s a reason I work at Planned Parenthood: I hate babies. 

Babies are like these weird alien things that, no matter how new or hideous they are, make everyone around them turn into cooing creatures who think they’re adorable.  

 

 

 

 

And now everyone in my family is popping them out. 

My sister should be popping out her second any day now. 

My step-brother called me on Saturday to tell me that he impregnated his 40+ year old girlfriend and they’re expecting a baby in March… his first.  Her fifth. 

And yesterday, I got the dreaded call from little brother saying he knocked up his stupid girlfriend.  No seriously, she’s stupid (they both are)… no form of birth control at all.  And they can’t even pay all their own bills now, with just the two of them.  

Congratulations, Mom.  Looks like you’ll be raising another kid. 

And to that- I’ll drink.

Because I still can.