Fuck off 2013

I've been busy.

Shit happens.

 

So, I will leave you with this:

 

 

I'm ready for ya, 2014!

My Kings Husband

 

My Kings husband and I were reunited at Steve Larson's wedding; we were friends in high school but haven't seen each other much since then.  Even then, he was the biggest Kings fan I knew... things haven't changed much since then. 

 

 

 

I admire his commitment to his team.  To our team.  At the wedding, we bonded over the fight to keep the Kings in Sacramento; a bond that is tough to explain and impossible to compare.  We went through things that outsiders wouldn't understand; and no, I'm not being dramatic. 

 

Anyway, The Kings had one nationally televised game this season and it was on a Friday, and we were going to break a world record for loudest indoor arena... so naturally I bought a plane ticket to fly in for the game. 

 

When I told my husband about the plans, he offered me his extra season ticket.  I'm not an idiot, so I of course obliged. 

 

 

I flew in on Friday and met him at the arena.  He was with a couple buddies who got tickets in a different section.  We pounded a few beers in the parking lot and headed into the game.  And then started drinking double Crown and Cokes.  By the time we left the game, I was drunk.  And not making smart decisions. (I'm going to throw in here that my husband admitted to "seeing" a Lakers fan.  I was utterly shocked.  Mostly because she is a Lakers fan.  Partly because I don't want him to want to see anyone but me. But seriously, FUCK THE LAKERS.)

 

 

Anyways, back to bad decisions: I could have had this husband thing in the bag.  We're holding hands, trying to figure out what bar we're going to go to so we can get even shittier.  And then I run into Cole and Cowboy and think (because I'm making bad decisions) that it would be a great idea for all of us to drink together.  So we go to their bar. 

Things start out fine.  In fact, things start out great.  Everyone is getting along, there is no drama, and I am legitimately enjoying my time. 

And then Cole's mom shows up.

 

 

Now, had I been sober... or at least not shit faced, I would have said hi and bye and that moment and left with my husband like he asked me to.  But nope.  I'm a glutton for punishment.  So I stayed.  Everyone else left.  Everyone else was smart.  I'm a masochist, apparently, and opted to face the bitch on my own. 

After saying hello and giving me a hug, she started in her normal fashion of asking me a million unnecessary questions.  About my parents, about my life... and then it started. 

I've gained weight. 

She hates my hair cut.

The nose ring was a bad choice. 

My outfit?  Who wears a Kings jersey in public... (especially at a bar... after a home game)

 

 

I managed to smile and tell her I didn't care what she thought.

She looked around and realized I no longer had friends around and asked the question of the night, "where are you sleeping tonight?"

Stone face.

"In your son's bed."

Smile.

 

 

She honestly didn't know what to say, and that's impressive for a woman who loves to hear herself talk.  Cole stepped in at that point and stood up for me ("Mom, I love you, but I love her too and she's always going to be one of my best friends, so you're just going to have to get over this.") And then took me outside so I could breathe. 

But that pretty much ruined the night for me. 

I should have gone home with my Kings husband... it's probably my only regret of the year so far.  (And that's not bad considering we just entered into December!)

I did get to stay with him on Sunday, though.  I showed up and he was talking to the Laker girl (ugh) and quickly got off the phone with her.  We went upstairs, smoked a bowl and went and got Mexican food (seriously, he already knows the key to my heart... and he paid.) Went back home, had a couple of beers, smoked some more and watched South Park and Aziz Ansari stand up. 

And then cuddled all night long.

When we took me to the airport in the morning we decided I'd fly back to Sac for two more games in January- so I have another weekend coming up with him soon. 

And I'm now crushing on my Kings Husband. 

 

Busted!

The beautiful black man on my kickball team is texting me. 

I get super excited anytime a text comes in... and usually, when he says something that makes him sound even remotely interested in me, I screen shot it and send it to Sofia and Olivia. 

 

So yesterday, I get this text from him:

 

 

Yes, I realize that this isn't much to get excited over, but I'm a girl.  So, naturally, I screen shot the convo to send it to Olivia. 

 

 

 

Except, as you see.. I didn't send it to Olivia at all.  I sent it right back to him.  Luckily, I can think on my toes, and sent him a couple pictures from the Kings game a well... And then my phone died while they were sending. 

 

And he totally called me out on it!

 

So, I played it off as well as I could.

 

 

It didn't work. 

 

 

Nights in PB

Everybody says that PB sucks... which I can completely understand if you lack a sense of humor.

Seriously, that place is fucking comedy gold.  

Someone recently told Charlii at an after party, "You're the kind of woman I like: beautiful and doesn't say shit."

Earlier in the night, that same guy had taken me into his bedroom to smoke.  (I tried to get Mr. Matt to come in with us, but dude straight slammed the door in his face.) As we sat there he asked what I did... when I mentioned PP he decided it was necessary to share with me his entire sexual health history up to and including being tested for STDs and for things shoved up his penis.  

Oh, and the girl that I watched get naked while playing strip wii bowling on my birthday tried to be friends with us at the bar one night.  

Someone showed up to an after party wearing a hideous gold 49ers jacket and someone turned to us and said, "He's obviously trying to get beat up." 

Also, an observation, deliman's "wifey" took his car, so he's driving Matt's around...

And to top it off, one morning starting the walk of shame, I got stuck in the boys' house.  We got home the night before and Chadwick made a comment about their ghetto ass front door.  

The next morning, I couldn't find the knob at all.  Either of them.  I had to Macguyer my way out of the house.  Thank God no one was watching.

A New Kind of Dating Website

So, I've been thinking about this a lot recently- so, if you know how to make a website and want in on this- contact me. 

Let's start a new dating website that is kind of like Yelp!  After a date (or a few) you can leave comments and rate the person you went on a date with.  You can give just an overall score, or you can give specific scores (looks, looks relative to profile pictures, fun had, quality of date, etc.) And then, the best part- you would be able to leave actual reviews.  

You want some examples?  Ok, I got you!  Maybe you can guess who they are!

His profile pictures must have been taken over the course of five years because he is fully clothed in all but one; this guy doesn't wear a shirt unless he has to.  Had he better represented that aspect of his appearance in his profile, I probably would have been able to tell that he's not nearly as hot as he thinks he is.  Now, don't get me wrong, he is attractive and has a decent body, but he's not the business.  Which, coincidentally, is what he named his penis.  (Not kidding) You don't have to ask to see a picture of it, he's pretty proud of it and will send you pictures daily if your heart desires.  I didn't send any back, but I image in you did he'd send even more.  (In case you're wondering, it's pretty good sized.  But again, not as big as he thinks it is.) 

His manscaping abilities are impressive but he also shaves his arm pits... which is weird unless you're a model...again, not as attractive as he thinks he is.

Luckily his face isn't stuck in that horrible "blue steel" look he has in all of his pictures.  Though, if you take any sober pictures with him he makes the face.  Just a forewarning.  He's a self proclaimed make-out bandit... which basically means that even if he goes out with you, he might make out with another girl.  So keep a close eye on him, ladies!  His penis is bigger than you'd expect... but that's only if he's sober enough to get it up.  Unless you're ready to party every night of the week and want to end up with a 40 year old that looks 80 because of all the drugs, I'd probably stay away from this one... even though, deep down, he is a pretty good guy.  

Seriously, let's make this shit happen.  

More Ale!

Ever since the Miley Cyrus twerking fiasco, white girls everywhere feel the need to shake their non-existent asses on things.  

Sofia is not amused by this... turns out, if they do it enough, bitch pushes them down.  Straight on two-hand shove so little white girls go flying across the clubs.  I will continue to find it hilarious until it gets her kicked out- until then, 

*****

When Charlii was in the height of her Pokemexican stage, we would shout "arrrrriba" when one was near...

Since I'm still full on in my dark stage, we have continued the tradition with me... except "arrrrriba" doesn't quite fit anymore, so instead, we yell "wwwooooooooo!!" 

Why woooo? 

It was inspired by:
"Pop a big dick, I'm sweatin' WOOOOOOO!"

*****

We made it to an after party not too long ago.  Matt and I hung out on the patio while others came in and out of the house.

We were smoking, per usual, and I was in one of my ultra giggly moods (which Matt still brings out). While proclaiming that I loved my life, a random dude who had walked up said, "I live across the street, I just came over here looking for a lighter, but you guys are pretty cool so I think I'm going to hang out.  His name is Nico and he hung out for a solid 30 minutes before anyone realized that no one knew him.  Then he helped himself to a beer and walked home "across the street" (which was actually about five miles down the road).  

That's also where I found these gems:

SO. MANY. COMMENTS.

*****

Until next time:

A Happy Little Reunion

I've seen Deliman a few times at Ale House since the whole wife fiasco.  (He's not married... I just met his new girlfriend... but he also no longer has his (a?) car anymore... or his dog.  So I still have a lot of questions.)

And then, one night, out of the blue, Matt showed up.  

It was a Saturday and we don't normally go on Saturdays... my car was at Sofia's because I had gone on a date with two-wheel Tim earlier in the night, and we got done earlier than expected.  Sofia was feeling feisty and almost got into a fight on the dance floor (Seriously, she shoved a bitch and she went flying across the dance floor) and looked like she was going to deck Matt in the face at one point in time.  Luckily for him, I intervened.  

And then I followed them to the after party.  Got in good with the DJ (imperative for my master plan!) and found myself back at Matt and Chadwick's house.  Just. Like. Old. Times. 

We played Wii bowling until the wee hours of the morning... I'm happy to announce that Matt still doesn't have his Lakers pennant hanging on the wall.  (I double checked just to make sure.) We had sex in the morning, (because he couldn't get it up that night) and then I went home.  I thought for sure that that would be the end of the story... but I heard from him again on Friday.  

So we'll see how this goes...

Color Me Crazy

So many stories and so little time.  And I'm procrastinating getting ready for Sofia's birthday celebrations part 1... so I really just have time for teasers:

Deli Man and Matt-tastic are back in the picture. 

Ale House has really stepped up their game- and we're on our way to VIP status.

Someone might have gotten pissed on last night. 

Someone definitely broke a table last night.

I'm going on a second date with a black boy. 

And I did the color run this morning on one hour of sleep.

September Round Up

Friday night leaving Ale House, we were walking behind these girls:

In the throng of people stumbling away to get food, hailing cabs, and generally trying to act sober in front of all of the cops, someone yells out of the window of his truck "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN TONIGHT?!" 

She yells, "TAKING A SHIT AND GOING TO BED!"  

Olivia and I immediately fish out our phones and start taking pictures.

Stay classy, San Diego. 

*****

What the fuck is a kumquat?  I can think of a thousand things it sounds like... a venereal infection, a sexual act, a torture device... 

Nope, they're little orange tree testicles.  Who knew?!

*****

So, I've exchanged a few messages with this boy on one of those dating websites.  Turns out, he's the new boy on my kickball team.  New season starts on the 3rd, so we'll see how this goes!  He's gonna get real me surrounded by all of my friends right from the start.  Also, this better not get in the way of me potentially hooking up with the new black substitute ball kicker we've recruited.  

*****

And finally, a big thank you to Southwest for having those little Doohickeys on the end of the wings of their planes so I can afford to fly into Sacramento in November for a Kings game.  

Herman Munster

I went on a date with Herman fucking Munster. 

I wasn't excited about this date to begin with... but I didn't realize why that was until I got there.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I LOVED watching the Munsters when I was little... but that's because I thought it was funny.  In no way did I ever want to be a part of the Munster family.

I mean c'mon! His wife is WHITER THAN THE WHITE GIRL.  DA FUQ?!

Anyway, back to Herman...

Seriously.  Just make that face a little wider, and that's what I looked at all night long.  

While he talked incessantly about Storm Troopers and Ewoks and the force.

And then when I told him I had never seen Star Wars before he says, "Oh. Yeah, I get it.  It's not that cool, but my brother loves it." 

But when we walked into the LEGO store, he went straight over and picked the Death Star set up.

Is "brother" code for "me"?

Finally, after dodging questions (read: lying) about what I was doing this weekend, he offered to walk me to my car (because there are "weirdos walking around) and I got out relatively unscathed. 

Guilty. As. Charged.

I'm not even going to lie... I've done nearly all of these.

Perhaps THIS is why I'm single after all!

PokeMex Battle Arena

Charlii has a thing for little Mexican men.  The shorter the better.  The hairier the better.  The nerdier, the better.  Recap: Charlii LOVES short, hairy, nerdy, Mexicans.

She has dubbed them PokeMexicans and has made it her current goal to catch 'em all.

And Ale House has apparently become the PokeMex battle arena; they come from near and far to battle for her love.  (Yes, I know SHE'S trying to catch THEM... but they LOVE her.  Black guys too... but that's irrelevant for this story.)

This is probably a good time to throw in the fact that I'm still going through a really dark time in my life.
And, of course, by "dark time" I mean "black boy."

Per usual, I was dancing with Arrrrsssiiiinnneeeeyooooo, and he brought a cute but a little too tall Mex for Charlii.  We'll call him Charizard.  Friday's battle came out of nowhere and turned out to be the most entertaining of all.

The battle didn't end until near the end of the night.  Charlii's favorite PokeMex, Pikachu, also happens to work security (Secuuurrrityyy!) at the arena so he always has home court.  He used it to his full advantage this weekend, when he saw Charizard going in for the kill, he walked over and kicked him out.  Just straight up kicked the mother fucker out.  For being "too drunk"... even though he didn't have a drink the entire time he was at the bar... and was acting just fine.  In true PokeMex fashion, Charizard didn't go out without a fight.  It took two others to help Pika get him out.

Not convinced that he had finished the job, he came over and accused Arrrrsssiiiinnneeeeyooooo of pointing at and having a problem with him... even though his back was to him.  Pika then kicked Arrrrsssiiiinnneeeeyooooo out as well.

Luckily it was near closing time and after a couple more songs, we were out in the throngs of drunk people with everyone else.  We found Arrrrsssiiiinnneeeeyooooo pretty quickly and he was NOT happy.  (Which of course made the whole thing even funnier to me.) But he couldn't understand what Charlii sees in Pika.

"His glasses are so thick he can see your tits through your shirt"

He kept asking her what she saw in him, but not matter what she said, he wasn't impressed. 

Arrrrsssiiiinnneeeeyooooo mentioned he was studying Psychology and Charlii asked him to decode Pikachu for her.  

"He's a faggot."

If he's right, Brother had a pretty good point, there are plenty of other PokeMex's running around- TJ's right there!